His face was a mixture of mild uncertainty and anticipation. Andrew, a new acquaintance, was asking me about my experience with Julian and Jared. Like me he has two sons, about two years apart in age. The eldest, as is the case in our family, has autism. The difference is Andrew’s sons are much younger than my teenagers, Julian and Jared, who are now 17 and 15, respectively. Was there any insight I could offer on what lies ahead for him as a father?
Flexibility was the first word that came to mind. I recalled that Julian’s autism forced me to recalibrate my view of, what most would consider to be, the traditional father-son dynamic. I had to accept that it was unlikely he and I would recreate a Norman Rockwell inspired image of the father teaching the son the nuances of throwing a curve ball and a slider. I had to come to a place of understanding that Julian was not going to grow up to be a man of(traditional) power, astride the worlds of business and philanthropy like a colossus, as I originally expected of any son of mine. Bottom line, Julian was going to show us the pathway of his life’s journey.
I shared with Andrew that his son will provide their family with unforseen moments of joy that will leave indelible impressions. He will take them places they never expected to venture. Julian has opened up the world of animals and Disney to a degree that I never would’ve imagined. His gifts as an artist have truly moved me. He and I visited a local zoo recently and watching the pure delight he took in looking at the animals reminded me that there are myriad ways to experience happiness.
I also had to be very honest with Andrew. There will be very trying times. There have been occasions where I’ve gotten quite upset with Julian. Despite being well aware of the fact, I’ve had to remind myself that Julian’s brain functions differently and he doesn’t “see” things the way most of us do. Yes, having a child with autism can be frustrating at times, for even the most patient parent. It’s human nature.
There are times Julian does things (he shouldn’t) that have little to do with autism and everything to do with being a kid, or worse, a teenager! We’ve found that letting him know he has to meet the same standard of respectful behavior and conduct, as his brother, has been a plus in his development. There will be those larger issues that arise that you simply have to find the courage to battle. We’ve learned that with Julian’s educational and social challenges.
I suggested to Andrew one thing to guard against is being overly punitive with the other son. I’ve been guilty of this in the past with Jared. Because “he should know better” sometimes I’ve been especially hard on him, in stark contrast to dealing with Julian on the same issue. What all of us, parents of siblings of children with autism, should be aware of is that it can be very difficult for those children who are growing up with a brother or sister who demands such special attention and understanding.
What I am hopeful of more than anything else is that Andrew came away from our conversation feeling hopeful and excited about the voyage he and his family have embarked upon. Because it is a wonder, watching the child with autism make an imprint on all others around them. And watching the other child develop and gain a greater appreciation for all persons and things that are “different” in our world.
At the end of our visit Andrew’s face seemed a bit more relaxed and calm. Maybe being able to share thoughts with someone who’s a bit farther along down this road of autism and parenting helped. There was one final thought I wanted to leave with him. Through all of this you will emerge a better man and father, I certainly hope that I have. That daily improvement never stops, Julian makes sure of that.
Afterall, isn’t trying to be better every day one of the real keys to fatherhood.
Happy Father’s Day, Dwayne!